Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
