I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
