Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
