I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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