I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
