Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
