You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
