Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
