The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
