Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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