i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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