Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
