saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
