I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
