I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
