made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
