I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
