I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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