This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
