I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
