I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
