he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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