he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
