On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
