I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
