I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i love accidental penises.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
