Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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