I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
