Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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