Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
