Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
