Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
