I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
