I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
