we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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