no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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