We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
