so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
