Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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