I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
