I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
