I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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