so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
