she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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