he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
