He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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