you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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