Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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