I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
