I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
